Sheepside

And after years, and for a second..I saw him again. The sweet boy that cried for me.
Years ago, me 19, him 20...talks about the future, our dreams and aspirations. I let him go because he said he liked me so...but I wasn't even being myself really. So what was it that he liked? A young girl who would be inspired, not to dream her own dreams, but to hitch a ride on his? No, that couldn't be. And besides, respect and even the emotion of love does not mean marriage is in the horizon.
I realized this later on, in bed with a man that was so very, very different from him. It was Pandora's Box. (I'm so glad I didn't go anywhere near there with the boy. In fact, I regret opening it at all. I'm left aching for the culmination of all things.)

Sweet boy. He found a girl who made him feel like the man that he wanted to be--something I couldn't bring myself to do.

And I remember saying..."Yes, this is a break. Whatever God wills will happen right? But I'm not saying to wait for me. Don't wait."

Well, that is what I said. What am I waiting for then?

Look There

ah. Look there. Up.

At everything you want, and want to be. Desire to stuff my mouth with the madness of life.

The Move

A fresh blanket of snow serves as a most apt welcoming mat.
But the details could be better. On first glance, the place looked decent...almost great. Rent was unbeatable and the roomies would allow my delightful feline. What more could a single working gal desire? (A fine man, you say?..^^ One thing at a time.)
As one who loves arranging and rearranging room furnishings, I happily embarked on the task at hand. Alas--I had failed to see the huge hold forming on a wall, the asbestos-like crap flaking on the hallway, and other pitfalls. Aiy.
I spent much of Wednesday chipping, platering, and painting. Things are looking up. It looks very white, very fresh. By the way, can anyone tell me why there are 25 or so different shades of white paint??

He tells me he is thinking of moving back to CA, waiting on some teaching offers. Please, dear God..move!~ For months I walked the streets, seeing him, smelling him. Many times I had to pause at our past dwelling places--a certain Barnes&Noble, the Starbucks where he watched me peruse his current read, "The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse", the restaurant at the Pier where he told me his mother would be delighted with me, the KeyFood where I observed him pensively gathering ingredients for another gourmet meal, Koreatown where we had our first date, the diner where he told me about his divorce, tattoo and nipple piercing.
He was so, SO very wrong for me. Easy to see, but I was unfazed. I was hopelessly enamoured by this older man who fended off the bustle of human traffic with his beautiful hands. It was my summer of love.

New Beginnings

Fleeing the confines of Xanga and its prying occupants, I start anew.
Always the idealist, I hope they never find me. =)